The Art of Regret
by Sandylee007
Summary: During the time his marriage began to fall apart Aaron Hotchner made a huge mistake. Now every time he looks at Spencer Reid he wonders how he'll be able to live with his decision...         SLASH      HotchxReid            ONESHOT


A/N: I know, I know, I should be writing something else entirely but these plotlines keep jumping up on me. (rolls eyes at oneself)

This is something that crossed my mind when I thought about the dynamics between Hotch and Reid. And hey, what's the harm in playing with one's own imagination a bit…? (grins sheepishly)

WARNINGS: SLASH, adults themes/material… Mah, I think those are the worst bits.

DISCLAIMER: Seeing my bank-account is believing; I seriously don't own a thing about 'CM'. (sighs miserably) And hurts to write that, you know?

Awkay, before I change my mind about sending this… (takes a breath) I hope you'll have a good ride!

* * *

**TAKES PLACE** during season three, when Hotch's marriage started crumbling. **THE LAST BIT takes place** pretty close to present series' time. ('Just so you won't get confused.)

* * *

**_The Art of Regret_**

* * *

At least they both agreed on one thing. They knew from the very beginning that they were making a huge mistake.

Why Aaron Hotchner chose Spencer Reid of all people to pick him up from a bar at three thirty in the morning would always remain a mystery to the two of them. Just like it was a mystery why Spencer agreed to do it.

They were both after all the wrong things, the opposite ends of the spectrum. That became clear at least when the address Aaron gave Spencer led them to a hotel. For once Spencer didn't know the statistics, but he guessed no great love story had started in a hotel room.

Spencer arched an eyebrow and swallowed, not managing to ease his painfully dry throat. "Why… are you staying here?"

Aaron had always been a very private person – hell, aside that he had a wife and son Spencer knew barely a thing about him. That's why he was stunned speechless when Aaron's eyes narrowed and the man spoke in a low, nearly bark-like tone. "Haley moved out a while ago. I… haven't been home, in a empty house, a lot since then." There was a long, heavy moment of silence. "She went to get the papers today – I found out through a old friend of mine." It took a while before Spencer realized what papers Aaron was talking about. "When I asked him if she was alone he wouldn't look at me."

Spencer didn't know what to say, so instead he blinked twice and emitted a weak "Oh". Such a pitiable response although his heart was beating so hard he feared it might burst.

Spencer had never, ever been in love, not really. Or so he'd thought until that very moment. It was beginning to look like somewhere along the way his heart had gone astray and now he'd have to pay for the consequences. For he knew exactly what was about to happen and he was still sane enough to know that he didn't want this, not like this.

But then Aaron was kissing him, and he couldn't think at all anymore.

All of Spencer's reason and self-control vanished, and a tiny part of him wondered if he was the one who'd been drinking. He couldn't think, which was utterly unnatural to him. All he could do was _feel_.

In the decadent darkness of the hotel room Aaron's hands were _everywhere_ on his body and suddenly Spencer was all too aware of the fact that he was almost naked. He shuddered, instinctively attempting to shrink into himself.

'_No_!' his mind tried to scream, overruling his body's flaming, numbing desire.

But then Aaron looked at him and the little control he'd had disappeared. "Stop that", the older man half-growled, audibly used to giving orders. "There's nothing you should hide."

And once again Spencer could only _feel_.

The touches, the soft noises, the scents that mixed together… They seemed to take a hold of him, sent him to a trance-like state.

And then there was intense pain, followed by pleasure the kind he'd never experienced before.

Spencer had never screamed like that in his life.

Just before everything faded into a dim hue Spencer felt something close to a bite on the most sensitive spot of his neck. For some reason the sensation brought tears to his eyes.

* * *

Soon after sun rose, welcoming the new dawning day and chasing away the tainted shadows of the night before.

The world awakened to reality.

* * *

When Aaron woke up it took him a long time to realize where he was, and much longer to remember what had happened.

As it turned out he'd been drunk enough to do the one thing he'd fought against for almost two years, but not drunk enough to erase it from his mind.

Now, in broad daylight, it was time to face the consequences of his actions.

He swallowed hard and squeezed his eyes even more tightly shut, unable to erase the horrendous taste from his mouth. The headache he was having seemed to tear his skull apart.

"I'm sure you have quite a headache." Spencer's voice, or perhaps the nearly hollow tone, made him shudder. "When you reach out your right hand you'll find two painkillers and a glass of water from the nightstand. I suggest you take them."

It was a lot harder than Aaron had expected to open his eyes halfway, let alone turn his gaze. He frowned when discovering that Spencer was pulling on his clothes, his back turned towards him. "What… are you doing?"

"What does it look like?" Spencer almost spat out, then took a loud, shuddering breath before talking again a bit more calmly. "I'm leaving."

For some reason Aaron felt a flash of what felt suspiciously close to panic. The frown on his face deepened to such extend that it almost hurt. "Reid, look at me." He wasn't sure if it was more of a plea or a command. Coming from his mouth they sounded the same.

Finally Spencer turned. A million emotions danced in the genius' torn eyes when they met his with visible effort. "You… You've got a family. One mistake doesn't change that. You've got a place to be, and… and it deffinitely isn't here, with me."

Despite his barely lucid condition it took Aaron only a couple of precious seconds to realize what Spencer was doing.

The young genius was offering him the easy way out – a chance to pretend that nothing had ever happened. It was a coward's way out.

And Aaron was a fool enough to take it.

He nodded, unable to produce a word.

Spencer's eyes had never been able to conceal anything, and that morning was no exception. The load of disappointment, heartbreak and naked hurt in those eyes would never stop haunting Aaron. It wasn't until then he understood.

So Spencer, the most intelligent human being Aaron had ever met, had been stupid enough to take a step too deep. And Aaron, who was supposed to be a well trained agent, had been a idiot enough to let that happen.

But it was too late to repair the damage, or that's what Aaron preferred to tell himself. For less than a blink or two later Spencer had made his way through the room's door and closed it between them. And there was nothing but silence left.

Nothing but emptiness left.

* * *

Spencer would never know that Aaron sat on the bed for a full hour, his eyes rooted to the closed door. The entire time he was holding his cell phone, name 'Reid' taunting him on the screen. Instead he called Haley and asked to get to talk with Jack.

And Aaron liked to pretend that he didn't sense how Spencer sat in his car for almost ten minutes, as though waiting, before wiping his eyes with a swift, angry motion and driving away with a dangerous speed.

And things returned to the way they were before. They went back to their homes, back to reality.

Only, _nothing_ was the same.

As they both took a burning hot shower, almost simultaneously although they were apart, they trembled. And no matter how hard they tried to tell themselves otherwise not all moisture on their cheeks was water.

* * *

Freedom of choice is a funny thing. Because it also gives us the opportunity to make all the wrong decisions.

There were many things in Aaron's past he regretted. But Spencer Reid was without a doubt the biggest one of them.

Now, after all the time that had passed, Aaron found himself looking at Spencer far more often than would've been healthy. And during those forbidden moments he couldn't keep himself from wondering…

What if he'd made a different decision that morning? What if…?

_No. _Today, like so many other days, he stopped himself quickly, vehemently.

It was too late to change the past. Now… Now, he'd have to try to find a way to deal with the present.

Suddenly Spencer stopped studying the papers in his hands, clearly sensing that he was being looked at. The brunet turned his gaze, and for several endlessly long moments their eyes met. Once again Aaron noticed that there was something missing from Spencer's eyes. The others seemed to think it'd been stolen by Tobias Hankel, but he knew the truth.

That something had disappeared well after that nightmare.

And then the moment was over. Derek Morgan said something, catching Spencer's attention, and Aaron retreated to his office, battling furiously with himself not to look back towards his youngest agent.

Once in the office he slumped heavily to his chair and brought a hand to his face.

Aaron was a profiler – he saw what was happening right before him. He saw, all too well, how Spencer still struggled with a storm inside every time the younger man was around him. But little by little Spencer was moving on, further away from him. Each day Spencer's smiles and grins were more emancipated, every single day those brown eyes were a little bit less haunted. Bit by bit the shattered trust Spencer used to have on him was restored. The young genius was no longer his to have, and Aaron knew that one day someone would fill the space in the brunet's heart he'd left cold and deserted.

And Aaron came to discover that there were some things he'd never forgive himself.

* * *

'_The hardest thing to learn in life is which bridge to cross and which to burn_.'

(David Russell)

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**_End._**

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A/N: Oh, the mistakes people make… (sighs heavily)

So… How did you find it – was it good, at all, or should I let this one out of its misery? **PLEASE**, leave a note to let me know your thoughts! (gives puppy's eyes)

Awkay, I'm gotta start tuning out right about now. (pouts)

Thank you, so much, for reading this!

Take care!


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